I used to imagine hurting myself to get out of high-pressure situations.
I remember crying in the shower when I was 12 or 13.. my premier soccer team had just won the semi-finals and was moving onto the championships.
I should have been excited! I should have been happy and proud to be a part of that team.
But instead I was SO anxious about the game, worrying about whether I’d be good enough and imagining mistakes I didn’t want to make.
I wondered what it would be like if I just slipped in the shower and broke my arm or leg.
“Then I wouldn’t have to play! I would be free of all this stress & pressure” I thought.
These thoughts continued as I got older and as I continued to not handle my anxiety or emotions.
At 21 I got pulled from a University volleyball game because we were losing. No feedback from the coach – no idea if they were just trying to mix it up or if they thought it was my fault.
My mind started spiralling. I started feeling more anxiety and worthlessness.
That night when I got home, no one was around I broke down in sobs and began punching a wall.
I punched until I couldn’t anymore. My knuckles were chipped, swollen and bruised.
I told everyone I slipped on ice because I was too afraid to tell the truth.